Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
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the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
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We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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