You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
