there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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