For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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