She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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