He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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