Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
