I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
