God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
