you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
