What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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