My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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