she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
