I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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