the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
