i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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