I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
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So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
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How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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