Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
