would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
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I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
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He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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