I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
