my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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