I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
