I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
