So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
