He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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