if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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