But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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