I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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