Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
