dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
