Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
