Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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