I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
