You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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