So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
