I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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