he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
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You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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