My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
