I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
