Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Enjoy the penises
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
