I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Pooping to opera.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
