I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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