she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We talked him into tasing himself.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
