then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
