either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
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If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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