hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
