Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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