the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
