Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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