I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
