my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just tell him i said nine months
I could make wine with my vomit
He kissed a someone with a penis
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
