totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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