just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
